The weight of childhood shame has the potential to undermine all future efforts to achieve success.

Identifying patterns of self-sabotage can only happen when we take the time to NOTICE those patterns.

A horrible event experienced when I was a child drilled the belief into my bones of being unworthy and ashamed for my efforts to start my own business.

I had an exciting idea around the age of 9 or 10. I noticed how beautiful the fall foliage was when dried. Thistles, grasses, wheat, and other plants begged to become beautiful fall bouquets. Surely, they would sell like hotcakes!

I spent several hours in the hot sun looking for the best plants I could find. I cut them and arranged them into what I thought were lovely arrangements. Then I went door-to-door to ask the people if they would like to buy a beautiful fall bouquet for their table. To the people, I was just a cute kid with a handful of weeds. To me, I was a brilliant entrepreneur with a much-desired decorative element for any house on the block. Who could resist? They’d ask, “How much?” (I hadn’t thought of how much!) “How much do you think they are worth?” 

Some gave me 5 cents, some a quarter, some a dollar. I was so excited! (this would have been in the late 1960’s) I ran home after selling the last one and dumped my change on the table in front of my Mother.

I knew she’d be proud of me because I was doing something useful and brought money home. She looked at me confused and said, “Where did you get all this money?” I told her proudly what I had done and expecting high praise from her, was shocked when she bolted up from the table and stood over me.

She shouted “HOW DARE YOU!” “How dare you SHAME THIS FAMILY BY BEGGING!!” She was livid. I was … in … deep shock. My heart dropped to the floor and I could hardly breathe.

“You go give this money back! Right now!” “You apologize for what you did and ask them to forgive you!”

I felt like an elephant of shame just sat down on my shoulders. I still have some of that sitting there. The shadow of that elephant of shame is heavier than one would think!
I scooped up the money in my small hands and walked out the door.

My feet were heavy and i could hardly move. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and I didn’t know why. It was all so confusing. I went to the first house and weakly knocked on the door. No one came. I put some coins on the window sill. I didn’t know how much they had given me. I went to the next house.

The weight of my guilt and shame was so heavy I could hard walk and my eyes were starting to burn with tears. I gave up.

I poured all of my hard-earned money on the porch of the second house and ran back home. I dove into bed and cried myself to sleep that day.