How Can Your Partner Meet Your Needs if YOU Don’t Know Them?

Unknown needs

Learning about who you are, what you do and why you do it, is a part of becoming a whole person.

Many of us become fractured throughout life due to the limited opinions and perceptions of others on who they think we are.

PonderingTheir feedback is filtered through their own experiences and reference points, which is why their feedback is so convincing. They EXPERIENCED something that we remind them of, so they give us feedback which will reflect whether or not that was a good experience or a negative one.

For instance, how many times has someone said, “You remind me of …” And by the look on their face, you can tell if that experience was distasteful or pleasant? Many a marriage has ended in divorce because of assumptions that had nothing to do with who an individual was, but who the spouse had hoped they would be.

Not only is it important to know what your own needs are, it’s just as important for you to get to know your partner WITHOUT your assumptive filters. Overhearing a couple arguing, I was amused to hear them both screaming at each other “YOU DON’T HEAR ME!”

Continuing to think about their statements, I thought, “That’s not really true, I know both of them and they are both really trying hard to listen.” The problem is, they were having a hard time UNDERSTANDING each other.

We want the world to be how we are most comfortable perceiving it to be. So much so, that we will convince ourselves of a wide range of ‘truths’ just to confirm what we believe. Through the years, we’ll layer our conclusions and meanings until finally one day our lives will fall apart and leave us feeling as though we’d lost our mind!

Detaching from trying to control another person and to force them into a mold or perception of what you WISHED they were like allows you to appreciate them more freely for who they are.

This is the same with YOU! From the day you were born, you’ve had feedback from others that told you who you were. “Oh, she’s shy”, or “He’s a talker that one!” or “never mind him, he’s always like that, just keep your distance!”

Frustrated boyHow frustrating for children to try to be who they are! In order to be loved and appreciated, we begin to adapt according to how we are rewarded and loved.  Adapting to something false and misinterpreted lays the foundation for great harm later on when we can’t understand toxic emotions and depressing thoughts. 

These toxic emotions come from not recognizing our true and authentic self and what we NEED to be whole. Demanding your spouse to fill those needs is incredibly unfair – especially when you don’t even know what they are!

In order to identify your needs better, think about what your results are at the moment. Your results will always reveal your true intentions and your intentions will lead you to discover what need you are attempting to fill. Checking email every fifteen minutes may not be working – especially when you aren’t able to pay your bills. It just might be a very real need for relationship and companionship. Instead of burning your day away in isolation and NOT getting your work done, note that this repetitive habit is not giving you the results you’re telling yourself that you are trying to achieve. 

Make a mental note and then GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to receive what you need. Stop working! Find someone that shares your interests and enjoy their relationship and companionship. People who love being around people, NEED to be around people. Likewise, if you are someone who is drained by being around people, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to remove yourself from so much energy and activity and get embrace the glorious solitude that you are so hungry for.

Start noticing what you are repeating that is giving you what you don’t  want. Stop blaming your partner or looking towards someone else to make you happy. At the same time, realize that it is impossible to be responsible for the feelings and emotions of another person. Give them permission to be themselves without the demands that they deny themselves in order to make you more comfortable. It’s nuts the way that people want others to give to them what they themselves will not give to their self!

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